Aren't We Lucky?
by WhiteLadyDragon
Summary: Lex is sunning herself, when everybody's favorite sociopath drops in outta nowhere, and it develops into a raunchy, rapey rendezous! Or not. Don't read if you're a sensitive RoyalFishshipper. Also, got plaster for the fourth wall? FOR PRINCESS RANDOMNESS!
1. A

**_Disclaimer: _All characters featured and/ or mentioned in this segment are not mine. I rented everything.

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**Before we begin, _I'm still not a Royalshipper! _But, I was inspired to write this after noticing that there are a bunch of Zane x Alexis lemony /limey /rape-fics going 'round. Nothing against that. I mean, we're all perverts, aren't we? 'Specially when it comes to anime. Even I am, clearly. In fact, let me say that I'll read virtually ANY lemon, even with couples I don't like. ****Sweet baby Jesus, I'm writin' a RAPE-FIC! And on a couple I like the least! **

**Or _am _I? (I'm not trying to bash _anyone! _I just wrote this for my bud, NarutoXHinata4Ever.) Plus, I saw The Almighy Ruler of Dragons write something like this, only it was for Zane x Syrus. I tried my best to keep everybody in character, wasn't easy. **

**Oh, right: Fishshipping is what I call this couple. Come on now, you guys call Jaden x Alexis Babyshipping! Why can't I make up another shipping name, too? Also, I'm sticking to the dubbed names. If I could help it, I would try the Japanese. Unfortunately, I can't make heads or tails on how they'd talk to each other, what with suffixes and all. **

**Shutting up now...**

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_**"AREN'T WE LUCKY?"**_

_This series of unfortunate events took place somewhere between episode ninety-five, and episode one hundred two..._

"Ah, back in blue! After a grueling sleep under white for so long!" Alexis proclaimed, wiggling back into her old fleece-I mean, uniform-, which was no longer as white as snow. A healthy dosage of royal blue ink from the artists- no, _thread from the_ _tailors_- had done its job. She'd always felt more comfortable in blue. That White Sleep was not what one would consider a sleep intended to enhance beauty. Sure, it helped her complexion. But what's a creamy complexion that would make a Mary Sue green with envy, compared to a hideous, biting persona that made the Snow Queen look warm?

As somewhat cliche as it sounded, she was nestled by her treasured brooding spot, the lighthouse. She used to come over here to brood about her brother being missing. But now that he was back, as flirty and as thriving and as non-emo as ever, she was just here to let the ink- _thread_- settle into her jacket. This spot got the best sunshine, and nothing makes thread settle better than the warm touch of good old Mr. Sun.

Besides, she had been given a break from the storyline for a brief while, and was not to show up again until episode one hundred or so, for a cameo. What else was there to do until then?

_Cue the "Jaws" theme music. _

Strange, there were no sharks visible in the waters. Rather, the music was emitting behind her. When she turned around, all was still and silent once more, save for the waves that bitch-slapped the dock.

_Hmm? _

She turned back. But the instant she did, it started to play again. Lex swerved around; either it was her imagination, or a flash of black leather just vanished into a corner of the lighthouse. _Su-PIC-ious!_

She turned back to stare at the sea, and noticed that a bit of spray coated the toes of her boots. They were getting smudgy, and the ink- scratch that, _rubber- _was losing its blueness. The blasted layer of white-out lay just underneath.

Scooting a little further away from the edge, she growled, "Oh-"

"Cyber Benten's hooters?"

The fine hair on the back of her neck prickled. Did somebody just swear? And how come they sounded...vaguely familiar? Like a guy she used to brood with for sixteen hours a day, way back when?

The third time she glanced over, guess who she chanced to find? A bluenette, and not a very friendly-looking one. He was all clad in black, complete with gravity-defying coat, muscle shirt, tight pants that showed off his bulges a little too well, and a spot of eyeliner around his piercing teal eyes. Plastered on his lips was a such an unpleasant smirk that made the Grinch look neighborly! The _Jaws _music was practically blaring through her ears, as he crept ever closer.

When he stopped, so did the music. Now it was just awkward, and eerie, silence.

Several different emotions tumbled in Alexis's head like clothes in the laundry. One of those was, naturally, shock. As if the voice was not enough to ignite a single spark of recognition; now this guy's _face _was screaming recognition!

_"Weeeellll?"_ the dark duelist demanded.

"...Well, what? Where'd you come from?" Seriously, where did he come from? Unless this man had the power of flying on origami cranes or something, like that Deidara from Naruto.

"That's the first thing you have to say to me? After all we've been through?"

Alexis crossed her arms over her chest, so as not to overwhelm any males in the audience by pushing up her bust. With one finger to her cheek, she studied him from crown to toe, trying to make odds and ends of how a Gothic wannabe just dropped in without even as much as building the mood. Besides the classic shark tune, which if you think it over, didn't fit very well.

He shook his head disapprovingly. "Alexis, it's me, Zane. I can't believe you don't recognize me. I was hoping that _you'd _remember me...apart from your brother and mine."

She narrowed her golden eyes in suspicion. "Zane? Our blue-headed, boring overlord of Obelisk Blue that graduated, entered the Pro Leagues, was undefeated until he dueled Phoenix, and thereafter was never heard from again? Mmm...that duelist, I remember. Mostly. Who are you supposed to be?"

It was Zane's turn to narrow his eyes, in suppressed frustration. Had this girl been ignoring the tabloids as of late?

"Oh, wait a min...you're _Hell Kaiser, _aren't you?"

"Well technically, that's my name only in the Jap-verse, and since we're speaking English, my name's still Zane. Lots of fans get that mixed up, probably an attempt to make the English version sound more tasteful, whatever. However, I can assure you, I'm not the same Zane you used to know last year. And who're you calling boring?"

Lex took her finger off her cheek. "Really? Well, the wardrobe's certainly different...though it's a little early to be dressing for Halloween-"

He took a step closer. "Excuse me? Are you dissing me?"

"Not trying to, but even if I was, I wouldn't think you'd mind. You dis people all the time, so I've heard. What goes around, comes around," the Obelisk Queen said coolly. "What do you want, anyway? Aren't you supposed to be on your un-merry path, pleasuring yourself with another victory?"

Just by mentioning the word "pleasuring", the sneer on Zane's face morphed into an uncomfortably sly smirk. The kind some folk wear when...ahem, they're horny. It's funny, how people just become horny in the spur of the moment; all it takes is one word, or a touch of eye-candy. Right now, you might say that Rhodes looked like a honeycomb! So it appeared.

Alexis cocked her head to one side. "What's with you?"

No answer. He kept staring at her with those two black holes- or blue holes- for eyes, sending an unpleasant shiver or two down her backbone. Was he undressing her with them? Possibly. She took it as a signal to make like a deck of cards and shuffle off.

"Ooo-kay. I think I'd better go sun myself elsewhere-" She side-stepped to the left. He side-stepped along with her. So she went to the right. He did the same. Left. Left. Right. Right. Before long, it looked like the two were engaged in a strange dance, like the zombie-like Cha-Cha that they make the children dance in elementary school.

"What're you doing?"

"Who said I was letting you go?" Oh dear. Was he preparing to pull off a funny stunt?

She tried to remain cool. "And...may I ask why?"

Zane rolled his eyes and rubbed his fist against his chest. "Oh, Lexi. On one hand, I figured you'd be nonchalant, or at least, pretend to. On the other, I was hoping you'd be a little happier to see me. I consider myself...lucky, to have found you. I think you should feel lucky, as well. Aren't we lucky, that we're together? Alone? With no one around to watch?" When a guy talks like that, they usually mean one thing. Alexis was aware what that one thing was. And she did not appreciate it, not one bit.

When he steadily inched closer, she started to shuffle backwards. "Er...if anything, I feel that you're trespassing my comfort bubble." She held out her arm to show him the boundaries. Not like he was going to listen, anyway. In a blink, his hand shot out and grabbed her thin wrist. His touch was icy, and rough.

Panicking, Alexis struggled to break free. "Too far! Too far! Let me go!"

"Oh, no. Think I'm letting you scamper off that easily?"

"But you're smearing the ink all over!"

"So? I'm wearing black. It probably won't even show." He pinned her to the lighthouse, scooting dangerously close to her. Their hips were almost touching! Lex winced from the throbbing heat emitting from his groin.

She wriggled this way and that, her heart beating like a drum in a heavy metal band. "Hey, back off! What're you doing, dry-humping me?" She started stomping on his foot with her toe to get him to let go. No dice. Having dueled with those masochistic electric collars for Ra-knows-how-many-episodes, he was entirely numb to pain. Especially in his feet.

"Do you _want_ me to file a restraining order on you?!" she protested, proceeding to stomp on his foot even harder, pound on his side with her free hand.

"Come on now. Don't you feel lucky, to be the only girl I'd ever allow to be this close to me?" What if she didn't _want _to be this close? He leaned his face into her's until the tips of their noses were barely brushing against each other. She couldn't help but tremble at the sensation of his hot breath on her lips.

But he wasn't going to kiss her. He was just going to cut to the chase. That is, had it not been for the girl's persistant demand for release, which he promptly denied with a snarl. That went on for roughly two minutes. Or it was it three? Maybe ten?

"For the umpteenth time, let go of me!"

"Never!"

"You're smearing ink all over the lighthouse!"

"What of it? It's not _my _lighthouse."

"Come on! Shouldn't be out, kicking someone's ass? Why're you wasting your time here?"

"Oh, I never waste my time, Lex. This'll take a minute...I only want you...

"...to have this."

With his free hand, he took out something from his pocket. Something small. And round. And shiny.

_Cue the drumroll._

"A GX tournament medal?" Alexis eyed the object in an odd combination of surprise, suspicion, and slight disappointment. All this half-baked, melodramatic build-up, for a cheap little medal? _What the hell was wrong with this man? _

Zane gritted his teeth. "No, it's an old, used rubber from your brother's collection. Yes, actually. It's a medal." He brought her wrist away from the wall to open her hand and drop it in the center.

"Ooo-kay, what's this for?"

He stepped back and locked eyes with her. "Well, I don't have any use for it. I just entered the tournament to try out my new Cyber Dark deck...and to flaunt my new image around, and to prove that I'm just as important to the plot of this worthless series as Yuki."

_What now? Well, those were pretty lame reasons to drop by one's old school. But then, Zane always was a little weird, if he wasn't busy being boring,_ Alexis thought. _He really hasn't changed all that much. _

"Then why give it to me? You could've just gave it to some random preteen who got breasts implants over the season."

"True, this medal means zilch to me. But I felt that it should go to you. As a gift of sympathy. Won't be long before you become as minor of a character as I am. Even Atticus will get more attention than you will. Blasted writers." Sympathy? This was coming from a guy who'd just zapped his brother like a moth in the bug-light!

"I didn't think you knew sympathy, to be honest. Still, if this is all you wanted to do, why did you feel it nessessary to pin me to the lighthouse in such a dark and erotic manner?"

Zane narrowed his eyes into slits. "What do you mean by 'erotic'? I just grabbed you so you wouldn't run off and try throwing yourself at Jaden before I gave you it. Don't you at least feel honored that I've not completely forgotten you? Ungrateful..."

Throw herself at _who? _How dare he! She only appreciated Jaden as a _friend! _What was this guy, jealous? However, she decided not to push that subject any further. Wouldn't want to provoke him to touch her, in a far worse and unspeakable way.

"What're you talking about? You're weird, Zane. You're just...weird." Somewhere deep down, she'd thought he was odd, in the mildest, non-toxic form. Now, he'd just jumped off into the deep end of the pool.

He smirked, although not as malevolently as before. "You're not that difficult to read. In fact, you like Yuki so much, that you're going to try confessing your love for him, in about, say..." He paused to count on his fingers.

"...sixty-two episodes from now. But whatever. You just take care of yourself, all right?" With a nod, he turned to saunter off on his un-merry way. Was that it?

"H-Hold on! How would you know? And, weren't you gonna-"

"Being a minor character means lots of time on my hands. Enough time to thumb around Janime for spoilers. I'm mean like that. And trust me: if I truly felt horny, I turn to my Cyber Dragons for relief." Alexis felt an eye go into a slight spasm. She would ask no further about that. The images were too much already.

And all would've gone out fair and well, had it not been for the fact that the blue ink- excuse me, thread- was smeared all over her legs and in her lush, gold hair. Not to mention, all over the precious lighthouse. She got so frustrated about all this random nonsense, she was almost tempted to throw the medal at the back of Zane's sociopathic head. Unfortunately, he had disappeared. As quickly and as mysteriously as he had come.

_Cue the "Twilight Zone" theme music. _

"Oh, Cyber Benten's hooters! Now I gotta go back and change! Wait...did_ I_ just swear? About my own monster?" She slapped a palm over her mouth. "God, I suddenly feel so...dirty."

Next to feeling dirty, the words "you like Jaden" buzzed in her skull like angry bees. That Zane was messing with her. She _so _did not like him!

Right? Seriously, right?

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Little did she know that somewhere, a little to the right of the Obelisk White Dorm (formerly known as the Obelisk Blue Dorm), a great gaping hole had been punched into the quilt that was the sky. If one chanced to look at it and squint, they could see the deep cracks around it. Stranger still, three eyes were peeping from out of the black. One orange, one aqua, and one almond-shaped and glowing a menacing gold. 

_"Would you look at this!"_ Yubel shook her head. _"Gonna take a lotta plaster to fix this one! Like_ we _don't have enough holes in the fourth wall already! Freakin' kids and their ever-hungry desire to wreck everything."_

The hole got bigger, with several new, minor holes popping around it. Blue and white debris fluttered to earth, disintegrating in the atmosphere.

_"Aw, damn it! Can't even mention this thing, or it gets bigger! I'm not even supposed to be here, yet!"_

It groaned and widened still.

Beside her appeared the celestial evil, the Wave of Light, in the form of a ghostly orb. _"Shut up, woman! You're making it worse! I can't conquer the human race if the whole sky is torn down!" _

_"Aren't you supposed to be off possessing some creepy tarot dork or something?" _

_"I can be in two places at once, if I choose. I'm just a ball of evil energy." _

Yubel snapped her clawed fingers. _"Well, aren't we lucky, then! Here, stick your finger in the hole, and I'll go get some plaster. Those humans will never know." _

_"ME? Sacrifice MY fingers? I don't even HAVE fingers, you herm-o freak-o! Can't you see with those three eyes of yours?" _

Thus, the three-eyed Duel Monster took the Light by the eyeballs and shoved it right into the hole head-first, desguising it as innocent clouds. _"Takes one to know one, Mr. White Trash! Wait'll my boy wrestles with you!" _With that, she stormed off.

The Light was going to shoot an insult back at her, when he suddenly felt the urge to sneeze (yes, it could sneeze. What can't sneeze?).

_"Ah...ah...aaaa-CHOO!" _

It just took that wicked little sneeze, in the shape of a lightning bolt, to strike the rear of a poor helicoptor that was passing by, minding its own business. One young passenger ended up pulling the suicidal stunt of leaping off the tumbling aircraft and crashing into the dorm's top window. The other two, the pilot and the principal, crashed into the treetops and fell unconscious.

If only there wasn't a pack of rascally squirrels waiting for them down below, with assorted Sharpie markers in their paws.

**_FIN(?)_**

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**_I broke the fourth wall even more than 4Kids did! I don't even think there's a fourth wall anymore. Somebody slay me! Please! _**

**_I didn't write this to piss anybody off. My sole intention was to make you laugh, or chuckle, at least. Though maybe my sense of humor will not agree with EVERYBODY. I accept that. But if you don't poke a little fun at shipping, shipping gets rather dull. THAT'S why everybody's losing interest in it. _**

_"Slay her. Slay her now. It'll do the fandom better if you did." _


	2. B

**_Disclaimer: _All fictional and non-fictional entities featured and/ or mentioned in this segment do not belong to me. I rent. **

**Hoo, hoo, what's this? A deleted scene of sorts? Or something I concieved right after the parody was published? **

Atticus slammed the glittery ballpoint pen triumphantly. Holding his notebook up to the light, he skimmed over the words carved into the looseleaf, in shimmery purple ink. Wow, he wasn't just a talented singer, poet, and surfer! He could WRITE, too! So much talent, so few outlets...and so few eyes that could recognize it.

This would make a fine chapter in the Duel Academy Memoir! It was a special project of his, in order to retain all the memories they'd made at this school. And boast about them to total strangers on the Internet.

"Hoo, I just gotta show this to Lexi! She'll flip her pretty, gold hair!"

When he skipped outside, however, his sister was already there. And he did not exactly get the response he anticipated.

He waved the notebook in her face. "Lex, Lex! Look at the newest chapter for the Memoir!"

She rolled her eyes. "Another chapter for that lousy fanfic of yours? Well, let's see what nonsense you scribbled up this time."

Atticus puffed out his chest. "For your info, it's not just another pointless fanfic! My fic is based on real events! A recollection of all our adventures, dating right back to episode one!"

Alexis made a face. "Att, you weren't even there for the first half of that season. How would you know all the things we did and all the people we met?"

"I'm spiritually tuned into these things."

Translation: "I looked on Janime."

It didn't take very long for Alexis to skim over her brother's work and shake her head disapprovingly. A slight pinkish flush mottled her cheeks. "As if you didn't embellish enough on the last one! I NEVER saw Zane again after he graduated! And why am I swearing about my own monster? Blue ink? On my uniform? Honestly, Atti! I'm sorry to say this, but this was completely illogical, out of everyone's character, and...it never happened!" This, of course, was denial. But SOMEBODY needed to maintain the sanctity of their world, in the more proper, down-to-earth way. Jaden did all the rest of the hard stuff.

"It did SO! I saw the whole thing! I've ALWAYS overseen the stuff you and Zane had done together! I just didn't jump out to save you, 'cause I know Zane could never bring himself to hurt a girl."

She bit her lower lip. "Well...if this happened, where were you?"

He pulled out a photo and handed it to her. It depicted the tippy-top of the lighthouse, with a flock of seagulls roosting. Somewhere in the middle, Atticus sat, camalflaged in white feathers and a plastic beak. He had his arms folded to his sides to make them look like wings.

"Then when you left, the gulls shot ice cream out of their butts into my eyes. And I plummeted into the sea. Good thing I'm a good swimmer!"

A tiny pencil materialized out of the blue and drew a sweatdrop on the side of a disgruntled Alexis's head. Naturally, it scared the living Scapegoats out of her.

"What's that thing?! Shoo, shoo! Scat!" she protested, trying to swat the mysterious writing untensil away. "Atticus! Stop it!" The pencil to scribble an angry pressure point on the other side of her head.

He lunged to his sister's aid. "I swear, I'm not doing it! Something wicked, this way comes, I tell you! Like that new Yusuke kid with the brown seaweedy hair, that shows up in episode one-hundred fifty seven and tricks everyone into thinking he's one of us!"

He ended up getting the word "SPOILER!" written over his eyebrows, in a bold, black font. "Holy Ra! My beautiful, flawless forehead that could make a Gary Stu look sallow! Get it off me, get it off me! Although this would make golden material for the memior." He hopped from one foot to another, slapping himself silly. In the process, he dropped his notebook.

Then, the pencil did something most alarming: it dove behind Alexis and wrote on her back in tidy cursive: "Alexis 'N' Jaden...Forever".

"Hey! Get outta here, you're scratching the ink! I mean, threads!" How fortunate that she kept the medal. It made a great weapon against the floating stick of graphite.

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Up there in the sky, behind the hole that the Wave of Light was wedged in, Zane slipped the pencil into his pocket with a smirk. Being a minor character sure had its advantages. When you aren't called to make cameos, like he was going to in episode one-hundred two, that gave you all the time in the world to explore the scenes behind the show. Besides, he wasn't going to be around for almost twenty-six more episodes afterwards, he might as well burn out, rather than fade away.

_"Helllp! The hole's getting bigger, and I've got a duel to win and a world to spill white-out all over!" _the Light pleaded, still sniffling from that giant sneeze.

"What the hell are you?"

_"Who said that? You sound emo! I'm allergic to- ah...ah...ah-CHOOOO!" _This time, the sneeze shot through a window in the White Dorm, shooting the tarot-obsessed freak it'd been using to carry out his wishes. It made his hair stick out in all directions and his eyeballs bulge out in a most unattractive way. Right when the man was activating two Traps and a Spell to summon Arcana Force EX: The Light Ruler.

At this time, Yubel was lumbering back with a bucket of cement. When she spotted the duelist, she snarled, _"Hey! How'd you get back here?"_

Zane made a face. "Yeuch...what are you, Frankenstein's great-great aunt, four times removed?"

_"AH! For your information, I'm the upcoming antagonist for the next season, and Jaden's ex-Duel Spirit!"_

Even though she hadn't meant to, that furious statement widened the hole, as well as the secondary ones. The poor Wave of Light was dangling by its invisible toes.

_"Hey, herm-o? A little help, please!" _

Yubel ignored it. _"Gimme that pencil you hijacked from the desk, or I'll kill you in a worse way than I will next season! Or worse, draw you in a dress! You and your baby brother could be the Bro-Bro and Sissy that those Rhodes kids couldn't-" _

She paused to look at what he'd written on the girl's backside.

_"I didn't know you liked Fianceshipping. I figured you'd want a piece of her, yourself." _

"Well, maybe I used to. But I've just taken a liking to exploiting people's weaknesses for my enjoyment. Almost as nice as electrocuting myself with 2500 volts of ecstasy whilst playing a card game."

Yubel made a grimace. Not about the electrocution part, but about Fianceshipping. I mean, it wasn't even canon! Everybody knew that _Yubel _and Jaden were a match made in Heaven. They'd only known each other for two lifetimes! This made her forget entirely about the fourth wall.

_"How dare you pair that sick excuse for a woman with Jaden! You must DIE!" _

Zane knew he was going to die anyhow in episode one-hundred forty-eight, and be resurrected later by magical, not-so-articulately-explained means. But that was ages from now; why die before the time came?

So he took out his whole deck, like the way he would using Power Wall. He tossed the whole lot of it at the three-eyed creature, afflicting many papercuts on various spots of her body. As she screeched in pain, Zane managed to escape once again. In a really quiet, mysterious, plothole-like way.

_"Ooooh, you bipolar asshole! I'm gonna kick your Fianceshipping ass, the next time I see you!" _She disappeared into a shower of golden-orange due to the many papercuts she had recieved. Looked like she was going to have to find a pigeon to help piece her back together. Of course, the Wave of Light was left all on its lonesome, dangling by a pinkie toe...if it had one.

_"Hello? Hey-loooooo! Somebody...help? The wall's still broken, and breaking still! Like my patience!" _

The only answer he got, however, was a giant brown Tyrannosaurus in dreadlocks, and a glowing Neospacian E-Hero (also in dreadlocks), clawing up into the Heavens. They used the holes to climb and push themselves higher.

_" 'Scuse me, mister! Which way to the satellite?" _growled the anthromorphic lizard.

At this point, the Light became so frustrated, it ended up blurting, _"Keep going up until you're in the thermosphere, then take a right, left, and ten thousand baby steps northwest!" _

_"Thank y'all! We're gonna go blow it up and help Sargeant save the world!" _The strange duo took off.

The Light grumbled at their inconsideration. If anything, _it _needed saving! Not the-

Wait.

**_FIN (for real)!_**

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**_Somewhere, up in the Great Beyond, Lewis Carroll, the King of Crack, weeps..._**

**_You know how Zane seems to be merciful and ruthless at the same time to Alexis, in most Royal-Hell-Fishshipping fics? Looks like I screwed up everything else, while I was at it! But once again, I just wanted to pass the laughter around. _**

**_Okay, okay. I'll quit wasting your time with this nonsense, and return to my other projects of nonsense. _**


End file.
